“One time when I was at my old job, a kid peed on the floor during the middle of the day, and the mom just like, 'Sorry,' and left. So I had to clean i...”

“Yogi. Okay Up. Sit. Lay down. Lay down. Lay down. Lay down. No? Okay. Well, he won't do the trick .”

“I think my message as a skywriter would be - I think it's from Ferris Bueller - "Don't take life too seriously 'cuz no one makes it out alive." I thin...”

“Cell phones, easily. That would - I'm pretty sure they'd have a heart attack if I showed them an iPhone.”

“I mean, we can all just be generally nicer to each other. I feel like that's a common answer.”

“I would tell myself to not buy that $300 chair on Amazon that I never put together.”

“If I had to pick any fashion trend, it'd probably fanny packs. Even though I think they kind of are making a comeback, I think, uh, more fanny packs, ...”

“I think my boss could improve by just showing that she appreciates her employees more than she, like, actually does. She doesn't really give complimen...”

“Uh, if I had to pick someone to, like, cook with for two hours, I'd probably pick Gordon Ramsay just because I think it'd be funny to, like, have him ...”

“If my love life was a candy bar, it would be the ZERO candy bar.”