“Hello. So this is my workplace nightmare story. Um, I worked at this barbecue restaurant for two years and I knew everything about it, you know, ins a...”

“It all depends on the roast. I mean, you could put a lot of creamer in but, you know, you have to have a healthy medium because too much creamer might...”

“I've actually been thinking about this a lot - an eagle. I've seen streams of, like, video cameras connected to eagles flying over cities, and it's be...”

“I'm only saying it's not justified because I don't want people looking in my phone. I - What's on my phone is for my phone and me only, and have I eve...”

“I'm sitting on my blue blanket. I would bag that boy up with my blanket. I'd wrap him up like a Christmas present and put him under the tree with my b...”

“A cool party trick I know is tying a cherry stem in my mouth. Whoo. I'm sure I get all the ladies. Wow.”

“Never in my life have I been on a dating profile. Or, like, any Tinder or anything. But, what's one thing that would really kind of throw me off? Woul...”

“A Kodiak bear, easily. I'd tackle him to the floor and he wouldn't stand a chance. I'd go for the jugular - oyce! - knock him out. Dude, he won't be a...”

“Breaking Bad. Easily, Breaking Bad. Like, I- I just - I love that show so much, and if they could have extended it to 25 seasons, I would have watched...”

“I feel- I feel like for some reason I'd be that guy who's, like, right below Vader in commanding force, and I'd say something that Vader doesn't like,...”

“If money wasn't a problem, I would work watching movies. Like, if I could just sit down with munchies on the side, a Slurpee on the other side, and wa...”

“I'm in California , and we have in and out , so we're already kind of winning there . I mean , in and out very fast and efficient way to get a burger ...”

“If I could ask my pet any question, I'd probably ask him if he liked me after all these years. I'd really wanna know that because I feel like we're be...”

“Okay, my most memorable concert was to the BabyTron concert. I'm sure you guys don't know who that is. It's okay. He's this very cool artist that just...”

“I hope in the next 10 years that we finally find the cure for cancer. I know. It's been a long time coming, but I think it's around time to do it. Tha...”

“If I won the lottery, the first thing I'd do is get a ticket to Hawaii and buy a house. I would love to live there. The thing is I've never gone in my...”

“I would just get a burger. I'd get a classic burger and tons of ranch. I am a ranch person, like, 'til death. I love it. I love ranch, and if it's my ...”

“This actually happened like three days ago. I get pulled over because I just got a new car and the license plate in the back wasn't screwed on because...”

“A parrot. I repeat a lot of stuff, like, over and over and over again. So if I was a parrot, it'd make a lot of sense.”

“I'm going to school naked. I don't care that - You guys think of it however you want to. That's what's happening.”

“They nitpick me every single time I do something. They nitpick me, and it's annoying, like I haven't done the laundry a million times, and you're stil...”